Terror in the Skies! Oops, My Bad: Just Some Guy Going to the Lav.


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Much amok has been made over a recently re-posted article in Flight Aware Newsletter, about Northwest Airlines Flight 327, back in 2004.  During the flight, a reporter witnessed “strange behavior” from “multiple Middle Eastern-looking men.”  The men congregated in the aisle and frequently went to the lavatory, causing consternation among the passengers.  According to the reporter, the flight attendants were “too terrified” to confront the men.  Multiple articles from the nervous flyer ensued, including “rebuttal” articles chastising the reporter for her politically incorrect paranoia.


But before we launch into a discussion of the rights and wrongs, class, there’s a bit more to the story:
Also onboard Flight 327 were two FAM’s (Federal Air Marshals.)  FAM’s ride discreetly on random airline flights throughout the U.S.  While they can and do assist during any emergency (and yes, they were packin’ heat,) by and large they are only there to thwart any would-be hijackings or other terrorist acts.  Make no mistake, they were well aware of the behavior onboard this particular flight as well.
After the flight, the men were questioned by authorities, who ultimately released them.  Apparently, the men were most decidedly not from al qaeda but from a Syrian band playing in Vegas.  Fear not!  The Sphere-Strolling Syrian Serenaders made their gig.
While this particular case turned out to be embarrassingly innocuous, a strikingly similar incident took place on an America West Airlines flight in 1999; this incident is now acknowledged by the FBI as a probable “dry run” for 9/11.

So, what’s right and wrong here?  
It’s not an easy question, and I don’t have an easy answer.
Sigh . . . I wish!!

Obviously, when it comes to airlines, we want to err on the side of safety.  Can’t be too careful, post-9/11, in the skies.  But then again, this is America, the Land of the Free, and we’ll be durned if we’re gonna let those those al Qaeda thugs crimp our freedom.  So we don’t want to trample on anybody’s rights.  As a result, we err on the side of Politically Correct Safety.  God forbid we “profile”—even though there is a solid, proven demographic that continues to be a real threat.  Personally, I think we could have our Politically Correct Cake and eat it too, by “reverse profiling” – lay off harassing the grannies, bambinos, etc. – you know, the demographics that have yet to prove themselves a threat.  (Though I do I like Israel’s El Al Airlines’ approach to Profiling:  “Yeah, we profile.  You gotta problem with dat, Pal?  Step over to the screening room!”  Sound of rubber gloves snapping into place.)*



Since 9/11, TSA (Transportation Security Administration) security rules have changed.  And changed.  And changed.  To the point that we simply shrug and say, “If you don’t like the rules, just wait a couple weeks.”
And, as anyone who has stood in a Disneyland-long security line only to be further delayed by a flight crew cutting the line, the rules have changed for employees as well.  Yes, even flight crew have to clear the metal detectors now.  Contrary to the vast majority of my peers, however, I’m all for this security measure.  Why?  Since the post-9/11 rule change, not once has a crew hijacked itself.  Hey, you can’t argue with 100% success!
Since 9/11 NOT ONCE has a flight crew hijacked itself.
That’s a 100% success rate for our heroes at TSA!

Politically Correct Profiling and demographics aside, far and away the most common hijacking threat is that of the lone whack job.  While the freakazoid may vaguely think he’s doing it in the name of Allah, whatever that means, most of the time even he doesn’t know why he’s doing it.  Often, the perp says later, he did it to “impress a girl.”  Ewwww!
In this type of case, TSA is most effective.  By and large they will snag the Fruitloop long before he even gets near a plane.

“Let’s roll.”
—9/11 Hero Todd Beamer  
These famous words, declared on United Flight 93, became America’s 9/11 rallying cry.  Rest assured, today’s flight is no longer packed with a flock of docile sheep, but an exaltation of American Eagles itching for payback.  Heaven help the poor sumbich who just wants to hijack the plane to Cuba!
 While it’s reassuring to think I have my own personal, trigger-happy-if-unarmed SWAT team onboard, it’s actually a double-edged sword.  My biggest concern nowadays is actually holding back passengers, who are now spring-loaded to pounce on anyone exhibiting the slightest wackiness.


Get a random group of people together on an airplane, and someone’s gonna be on meds.  Unwittingly feed that guy a drink or two, suck out of the cabin a few thousand feet’s worth of air pressure and common sense,** and suddenly he’s acting a bit, well, whacko.  People, a little heads-up:  it’s a million to one odds your onboard weirdo is anything more than that—a harmless weirdo!
Fear not:  TSA guarantees your flight will be freako-free 
. . . NOT!!!
Then again, there’s always a never-ending supply of that lucky one millionth lotto winner.  But even if the deranged wannabe does manage to sneak aboard and cause a ruckus, he is often easily thwarted by using his whackiness against him.

Once, long before 9/11, my former airline in the Caribbean*** had a hijack incident by just such a nut bag.
A pic of my old airline.
Just because it’s so flippin’ COOL!
Just before landing at SJU, he burst into the cockpit and demanded to be flown to Cuba.  The Captain said something like, “Yes, sir, right away, sir!  But first we’ll need to refuel.”  After landing, the Captain advised the hijacker that he and the FO would have to walk over to the terminal and sign for it.  His answer was a brilliant, “Duh . . . okay!”  Of course, half of Puerto Rico’s police force showed up before the fuel did.
That poor sumbich didn’t make it to Cuba either.
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3/24 addendum:
As for the TSA being effective at catching the nubags, I rest my case:  TSA arrests man carrying guns
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*El Al has not suffered from a successful terrorist hijacking since 1968; see El Al Security.
** An airliner’s cabin altitude at cruise will typically be about 8,000’; about the elevation of Durango, CO
*** Antilles Air Boats, the precursor to my beloved, now defunct airline, Virgin Islands Seaplane Shuttle.  Factoids:

  • A.A.B. was founded in the 70’s by Brig. Gen./Pan Am Captain Charlie Blaire and his wife, actress Maureen O’Hara.
  • V.I.S.S. was destroyed by Hurricane Hugo in 1989, while I was working there.  (Gotta be a blog or two in there somewhere!)
  • Currently Seaborne Airlines, operating out of STX, runs a similar seaplane shuttle service.  Another good link here.
  • I nearly cried when I saw a Grumman Goose in the Smithsonian Air & Space Institution, with an “Antilles Air Boats” time schedule next to it.
Sigh . . . nostalgia!