NOTICES TO AIRMEN:
Announcing my new eBook!
Publishing on Amazon Kindle in June!
—Previously Unpublished Adventures
—You’re the Captain
—Lessons Learned the Hard Way
—The Stories Behind the Stories
—Guest Stories by noted aviation authors
—Excerpts from Upcoming Novels
Life, Love, Laughs…and Tears in the Sky
AND MUCH MORE!
Stay tuned to this link for publication! http://amazon.com/author/ericauxier
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And in related news, check out my recent podcast interview on airlinegeeks.com!
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And Now . . .
9/11 did one good thing: it put “Command Authority” back in the hands of El Cap-i-tan. Moreover, when necessary, an airport full of bored cops always eagerly awaits our phone call.
|“Hello, ATC? This is Captain Fife.
Send the TSA, FBI, CIA, SWAT, and Seal Team 6.
Why? Oh, some guy wouldn’t stop talking on his cell.”
On the other side of the line, the Disabilities Act forbids me from passenger removal for disabilities resulting in the “appearance or involuntary behavior that would annoy or inconvenience others.” Moreover—sadly—I CANNOT eject you for your horrid body odor.
In between those lines, however, there’s about 50 shades of grey.
Another thing I must keep in mind are the passengers around the weirdo. As mentioned in my article, “Terror in the Skies!”, post-9/11 passengers are spring-loaded to pounce on anyone behaving the slightest bit odd; they’re my own personal, onboard SWAT team.
But what if the poor schmuck is simply on meds and can’t help himself? Take that behavior up to altitude (8,000’ of air pressure inside the cabin at cruise altitude,) and those medical effects can amplify. Since I can’t legally boot the weirdo off, we gotta keep a keen eye on the on board SWAT team.
|Sorry, Miss T, nuthin’ Cappy can do!|
|Stillthink that comment about the flight attendant’s arse was funny, pal?!|
|Sigh. A Cap’n can dream…|
The second flight was much simpler.
Kicked a guy off for smokin’ in the boys’ room. No brainer. C ya! (The fact that he was a smelly guy on meds had nothing to do with it!)
Needless to say, he spent an extra night in El Paso contemplating his travel packing techniques…
—Thou shalt not pose as a pilot and use fake id’s to hitch a free ride aboard an airliner, a la the infamous “Catch Me if You Can” antihero Frank Abignale. Result: arrest on suspicion of endangering airline security and “usurping a title.”
—Thou shalt not slap the passenger ahead of you for reclining his seat into your lap. Result: restraint in plastic cuffs and arrest upon landing.
—Thou shalt not call in a bogus terror threat accusing your love’s new boyfriend on his plane flight. Result: Arrest by the FBI and charges carrying up to 10 years in prison.
—Thou shalt not wear a shirt on board a plane mocking the TSA and stating, “Bombs,ZOMG/ZOMG terrsts.” Result: ejection from said plane.
—Thou shalt not lock oneself in the cockpit before flight to morn a recent breakup. Result: removal and arrest.
—Thou shalt not punch another passenger inflight, and yell profanities at other passengers and flight crew…even if you’re just a drunken grandma. Result: Pilot turns plane around and lands, and naughty, wasted grannie removed and arrested, to sobered off in the slammer.
Of course, stupidity doesn’t start at the airplane door. Here’s TSA’s, uh “Best of” from 2013:
|From TSA’s “Year in Review” Blog|
And in other, non-security-related-but-equally-entertaining airline news:
—Thou shalt not remove sex toys from a passenger’s check-in luggage and tape them to the outside of the bag. Result: lawsuit against airline for duress from said passenger.
—Thou shalt not cut in line while boarding to get a better seat. Result: Read an apology over the PA that states, “…I cut in line to get a seat that rightfully belonged to one of you good people. I hope you will forgive me . . . I am just a young man that thinks I am smarter than I am. Enjoy your flight, and remember to fly Southwest, because they let my coach do this to me.”
* “‘Cap’n Nap’n’ is short for “Napolean”–not “Napping,” doofus!!
**Our obsession with Political Correctness forbids me from “profiling.” But let’s just say the perps would have “fit the profile,” had I been profiling. Which I wasn’t . . .
***See Legal Blog Watch’s hysterical section, “Things you can’t do on a plane.”
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Related Cap’n Aux Links
- Dealing With Passengers, Part I—http://capnaux.com/?p=26
- Dealing With Passengers, Part II—http://www.trutv.com/dumb_as_a_blog/gallery/15-dumb-things-about-flying-the-unfriendly-skies.html?curPhoto=1
- TSA Year in Review—http://blog.tsa.gov/2014/01/tsa-blog-year-in-review-2013.html
- 15 Dumb Things About Flying—http://www.trutv.com/dumb_as_a_blog/gallery/15-dumb-things-about-flying-the-unfriendly-skies.html?curPhoto=1
- Top 10 Dumb Things to do Before Getting on a Plane—http://www.farecompare.com/travel-advice/top-ten-dumb-things-plane-poll/
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Lined up and Waiting
Departing April 17
So, you Wanna be an Airline Pilot?
Cap’n Aux answers your Q’s on how to get to the Majors!
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Taxiing for Takeoff
Departing April 24
Dealing with Passengers—Part IV
The View from the Other Side of the Kevlar Door
Guest Post by Flight Attendant Bunny!
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Departing May 1
Blogging in Formation Week!