The Darwin Awards—Aviation Style!
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“The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it…”
But First . . .
Ramper David H., welcome aboard our aeronautical adventure!
R: Baggage Manipulation Specialist First Class David H.
According to his brother, this year he’s dressing for Halloween as Sasquatch!
On another flight the very next week, I got this message from my flight Dispatcher.
So glad to see there’s so many aeronautical adventurers out there!
And now . . .
Following is a few aviation-related “Darwin Awards”*, most of which can be found at darwinawards.com.
Forgive the gallows humor, folks, but I for one am happy to see these would-be, wannabe and inadvertent aviators excluded from the aeronautical gene pool . . . and from our world’s cockpits. Direct links to the full reports can be found in the titles below.
Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T,
The pilot in command’s improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight.
Now debunked as urban legend, this story is nevertheless the most popular Darwin Award of all time. Presumably, a moron strapped a military JATO rocket to his ’67 Chevy Impala, lit it off, and vaporized on the side of a mountain at 300 mph. The only piece of the machine not atomized was the rear bumper with a sticker that read, “Hows my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT.”
2.5) “Serious Darwin Aviation Award Attempt EPIC FAIL!”
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| CARTOON COURTESY OF CAP’N AUX 😉 —————— |
3.) “Flying while Intoxicated” . . .
Or, “Hold my beer . . . watch THIS!”
After throwing down a few at a local pub, a Private Pilot hopped in his new Piper PA-32. Without a proper preflight, he attempted to takeoff…with the gust lock still installed. An anti-theft device, the Gust Lock freezes the control yoke full aft, mimicking a steep climb.
Climb steeply our hero did, according to witnesses going “straight up in the air like an acrobat,” followed by, “a nose dive.”
His world crashing around him, financial consultant Marcus Schrenker opted for a bailout. A bail out of his plane, that is.
Attempting to fake his own death, Schrenker made an emergency distress call from his Piper Meridian, then parachuted out, leaving it to crash.
Scrambled to assist, Jet fighters reported the door open and no evidence of a pilot aboard. Authorities quickly caught on, and nabbed the wannabe Darwinian within 3 days.
Charged with willful destruction of an aircraft and knowingly and willfully communicating a false distress message, he was sentenced to 51 months in prison and fined nearly 1 million dollars.
5.) Sling Blade‘s a genius compared to these two…
After successfully refueling a plane and taking off, they quickly found that even the simplest Cessna has a few more controls than the most sophisticated Toro. (Flight path strikingly similar to #3, above.)
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| —Quote by the inimitable Frank Zappa! |
6.) Let there be Lighter…
When one tank proved troublesome, said guard peered into the gas tank to diagnose the problem, then lit a match…
7.) What time is it, Captain? It’s Kaboom time! (Hamas terrorist style)…Or, Divine Retribution, Darwinian Style!
While not really aviation-related, I want to end with a bang—involving terrorist Darwin recipients!
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| Would you like a ticket in Evolving… |
Back in 1999, in Jerusalem, the switch away from Daylight Saving Time raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists. The Palestinians refused to live on “Zionist Time,” with dire consequences:
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| …or De-volving? |
. . . the bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time… As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, removing the terrorists from humanity’s genetic considerations.
While I found it challenging to find aviation-related Darwin updates for this year, here’s a couple gems I thought you’d enjoy!
1.) LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S A…PLANK!
Excerpt from Darwin.com: “‘Planking’ is the peculiar wit of lying flat as a plank in unusual locations–train tracks, fire hydrants, clotheslines–and posting public photographs, spreading joy.
“This Australian craze had infected poor Mr. Acton B., a (former) planking enthusiast who was not aware that Balconies Are The #1 One Cause of Gravity-Fed Darwin Awards.
“Not knowing he was doomed to repeat the lesson…
“Camera ready, the 20-year-old stretched himself out face-down on the railing, arms by his sides, stiff as a plank, balanced. Down he fell. Descent of man.”
(Note: this occurred in 2011. Apparently there’s a 2-year lag in locating and confirming Darwin Award recipients!)
1.5) IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANK! IT’S A TWERK! A TWERK?
It appears that the Planking fad has “jumped the shark,” as it were, and now “Twerking” (Urban Dictionary: Twerk—The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in one’s intended audience) is all the rage.
Here’s an epic vid that’s gone so viral you probably have seen it…but boy did this girl Work ‘n Twerk at earning a Darwin! Sadly, her sorely singed derrière did not qualify, as she survived to tell the tale.
But her performance is—shall we say—incendiary!
Finally . . .
In keeping with our morbid aviation theme, here’s a link to Strange and Unusual Aircraft Accidents, from planecrashinfo.com.
They are not necessarily funny . . . but they are pretty dang bizarre!
Bonus:
- Stranger Than Fiction!: http://capnaux.com/?p=56
- Blogging in Formation: There I Wuz! Best Instructional Moments: http://capnaux.com/?p=47
- Aviation Cartoons by Cap’n Aux: http://capnaux.com/?p=61
- Gremline, an online aviation safety digest, examining lessons from dumb pilots…
- Sadly, even professional pilots need to be culled from the herd from time to time…
- Additional Wikipedia link…
- Urban Legends–multiple Darwin Award links, and debunks
- Get the book, “Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action,” at Amazon.com (and don’t forget to order My Books while you’re there, LOL!)
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Departing the 1st week of November
The Top 10 Downers of an Airline Pilot Career
Only the Shadow knows!
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